Musings Archives · Ashley Barnes

Healing the Heart Wound

I see posts from so many women that are alone during this pandemic. They feel sad, overwhelmed, and lonely.

Not only that, they were alone before the current physical distancing rules, which adds salt to a heart wound that was perhaps already gaping.

It reminds me of a time, before I met my current husband, when I was struggling through my own deep heart wound.

The heart is an amazing organ. It’s both tender and tough, keeping us physically alive and also allowing us to give and receive love. It gives us the strength we need to get up and face each day, it allows us empathy and compassion for others, and it breaks when we have painful experiences.

When we’ve been through traumas, bad relationships, heartaches, and loss the heart can get wary. It can become too tough, isolating itself in a protective armor to keep us from more pain. Or become so tender that it breaks at the slightest transgression. Or a mixture of both – armored up one minute and broken the next.

Of course, the heart doesn’t isolate, armor up, or become painfully tender on its own. We experience external circumstances, like a painful breakup, and we respond with our ingrained reactions, which signal what happens next. The process is largely unconscious.

Sometime long ago, when our first middle school romance broke up with us and it hurt (like really hurt), we responded by closing ourselves off for a while. And we felt better. So the next time something similar happened, we did it again. And again, until it became our go-to response.

When we experience bad relationships and don’t fully process and heal, those unhealed feelings get stuck and we experience symptoms like chronic sadness, overwhelm, and shame.

These are normal human emotions, designed to give us messages about the world and pass through us. When they linger, we benefit from clearing our heart energy and empowering our heart to do for us what it’s made to do – allow us to experience both strength and softness, security and hope, pain and pleasure.

In energy medicine, the lower energy centers help us with feeling safe, secure, creative, and connected to being human, while the upper centers help us use our voice, tap into our innate knowing, and connect to something larger than us. As the heart center is between the lower and upper energy centers, it helps connect the two parts of us with its healing, compassionate energy. Energetic heart clearing sessions helps keep everything aligned.

We can experience this healing even if we’re alone. It’s not the aloneness that created this situation, it’s the repeated bad relationships, traumas, and other unprocessed experiences. Empowering the heart gives us the strength to be alone and allows our life energy to flow, easing those painful symptoms that keep us stuck.

When we become unstuck and empower the heart, we glow with life force, attracting the real love we deserve. The right partner. The ONE.

I’m putting together a new program just for women like you, who are alone and don’t want to be. Who are ready and willing to shift how they show up the world, even if they feel they are too broken or too hurt to love again. I can help you heal your broken heart and call in the love you crave and deserve.

Want to heal?

I invite you to consider scheduling a complementary Heart Center Check-In call with me today. You can reach me at ashley@ashleybarnes.org.

Five Little Words We All Need to Hear Right Now

Musings

*Photo by Toimetaja tõlkebüroo on Unsplash*

I reached out to a friend the other day to see how she was doing. Like many, she wasn’t doing well. She hadn’t slept well. She was anxious. And moreover, she was feeling understandably powerless, alone, disconnected, and scared in the midst of this global crisis we’re all experiencing.

I know many of us are feeling the same right now.

I know because I’m seeing the posts and comments on social media with people sharing how scared and alone they feel. People fearing for their families’ health and safety. People fearing for our most vulnerable populations. People fearing this will never end.

I’m feeling the collective grief and sadness. The kids who are missing graduations and proms and friends. The people who are sick. The horrific predictions of how this all could go and how many we could lose. The people who have become severely ill and those who have died. The healthcare workers and “essential employees” who are putting their own lives at risk for ours. The people who have lost their livelihoods and don’t know how they’ll survive when this is over.

And the ambivalence of waiting. Many things feel as if they’re moving faster than ever, yet we’re at home, not knowing what will come next. Not knowing when this will end. Not knowing what or who will be left when it does.

Then that terrible feeling of aloneness. Despite this shared experience with billions across the globe, a dozen Zoom calls a day, and for some, multiple quarantine buddies, there is an unbearable sense of being caged. For the many who are physically alone, the loneliness is even more raw and real.

I know, because I’m right there with you, feeling all the feelings too.

I was working at home full time, but now I’m on furlough, for up to 10 weeks. I’m figuring out how to be unemployed and I don’t have a new routine created yet, so I’m feeling out of sorts.

Although I have a job to go back to for now, I know that few of us will avoid some pain from the financial devastation that’s coming. I’ve also been battling a mysterious fever that comes and goes but doesn’t get high enough to really worry.

Nevertheless, it’s unsettling.

My daughters are feeling caged in, bored, and their raw, teenage emotions are being directed mostly at me.

And in the middle of it all, my sweet cat, Alice, died unexpectedly. Grief upon sadness upon restlessness upon fear. At times, it feels overwhelming, and like it may never end.

What we need right now is support – to feel our feelings and know we’re not alone. So, when I reached out to my friend that day, as she shared how she was feeling, I listened. I set aside my own thoughts and really heard her.

Then I asked her, How can I support you?

How can I support you? The five little words we all need to hear right now.

Yet something so basic, so fundamental to our existence as a social creature, often feels so elusive. We’re taught to be independent and strong, to do for everyone else but not to need anyone else. Until we can’t do it anymore.

That’s not going to work in this current reality. We need for our bodies and minds to be strong to get through this, and for what we’ll be called to afterwards. To do that, we need to allow all the emotions to come. We need to feel heard and cared for in the midst of the chaos. We need safe spaces to process until we can return to our Divine purpose.

So I ask you now…How can I support you?

Because despite all our collective feelings of disconnection, powerlessness, aloneness, and fear, we have access to an innate strength and power – CONNECTION.

I’ve put together a Crisis Care Package, with a collection of supportive offerings.

I’m also available and have open space on my calendar. I invite you to consider scheduling a connection call with me to support whatever is happening in your life right now.

Together, we can get through this.

4 Tips to Stay Connected to Your Soul Self at Work

Musings

With the popularity of more holistic wellness and business practices, there’s been discussion recently about whether we should bring our whole selves to work. Although the tide seems to be turning more towards “yes”, there is still reluctance, and likely for good reason. Work is not the acceptable place to let it ALL hang out.

However, when don’t bring our whole selves to work, the tendency then becomes to compartmentalize ourselves into “Work Me” and “Home Me”. We end up feeling disjointed, a bit like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Eventually, this switching back and forth between different aspects of ourselves can cause us to forget who we are as a whole person and even grow to dislike or attempt to disown valuable parts of ourselves. This of course can be detrimental to our ability to grow personally or professionally.

So instead of bringing our wholes selves to work, what if we strive to bring our soul selves to work?

Our soul selves are the sacred, immutable part of us that is universal, whole, and loving, even when we don’t feel that way outwardly. The part that embodies the essence of who we are and why we’re here. The part that keeps us connected to the work we do. The part that can’t be changed or left at home, even when we go to work. And especially if we work in a people-oriented role (like coaching, counseling, caregiving, teaching, facilitating, and even leading).

Unlike our whole self, which may show up with an attitude of “What you see is what you get”, our soul self tends to be more discreet. When we’re bringing our soul selves, it’s evident in the way we carry ourselves, the integrity with which we do our work, and the way we interact with other people. We don’t need to demonstrate or tell anyone what we’re bringing because our soul self has actions, values, and heart behind it, which is evident in how we show up. And the best part is that bringing our soul selves allows us to integrate all our parts at work and still remain professional.

If that seems daunting, or you’re not sure how to stay connected with your soul self in a work environment, here are four tips that I’ve found helpful over the past several years while navigating my own soul self through the corporate waters.

Know yourself, be yourself

In order not to lose connection to our soul selves at work (or anywhere), we have to know who we are in the first place. Self-awareness is ever-evolving if we’re on a growth path, but there are many personal and professional tools available to guide us on the path. Tools like StrengthsFinder helps us to become more aware of our natural talents. MBTI and DiSC help us understand our personality and how we communicate and interact best with others. Emotional Intelligence helps us understand and deal with our emotional reactions. Therapy can help us uncover and address hidden mental and emotional aspects of ourselves and opportunities for growth. And spiritual tools like meditation and mindful practices help us to center and connect with our inner nature and the bigger energetic forces at play all around us. This list is not exhaustive, but can serve as a great start for digging in a little deeper. The more we know ourselves, the better we can come back to center when our environment (or our inner critic) applies pressure in a different direction.

Ditch the drama

Even in the most professional of environments, casual conversations can quickly turn into gossip, simple misunderstandings can become a spectacle, and the right fuel to the right fire can cause an epic storm that draws in and distracts everyone around it. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try to avoid it, drama can be difficult to avoid at work without seeming antisocial. While drama can seem exciting in the moment, ultimately it leaves an icky feeling inside, because it’s not aligned with our soul self. I found a silly graphic online a couple summers ago that became my family vacation mantra: “No drama mama llama”. Having a good mantra or touchstone like this to remind us of where we want to be can be a powerful tool to bring us back to center when we stray.

Build a wall

A few years ago, I was in a work environment that felt out of control and oppressive. And I didn’t have a straightforward escape plan. But I knew I needed to do something to stay focused, motivated, and soul-centered. Enter the “Wall of Inspiration”, my personal collage of inspirational, motivational, and just plain funny graphics which I displayed beside my desk where I could easily see them. My wall gave me instant access to what I needed at any given moment, especially when situations felt out of control or overwhelming. It helped me remember why I was showing up each day, not why I was working in that job at that time, but my bigger purpose and passion. Connecting to these bigger “whys” is essential to helping us stay connected to our souls. It doesn’t have to be a literal wall, but finding ways to be inspired – and to inspire others- daily can keep us on the path.

Orbit the hairball

My favorite business book is Orbiting the Giant Hairball: A Corporate Fool’s Guide to Surviving with Grace by Gordon McKenzie. In it, MacKenzie gives witty yet powerful advice on how to emerge from the “giant hairball” of bureaucracy, rules, and red tape that so often bog down individual genius and creativity within an organization. The idea is that if we orbit the hairball of bureaucracy, just far enough out that we stay connected to the mission and values of the organization, but not so close that we get pulled into mediocrity, soulful, creative “geniuses” can survive corporate life. And more importantly, we can stay true to ourselves. I wish I could say there was a simple trick for this. The pull of the hairball can be strong. However, knowing our strengths and personal values, avoiding drama as much as possible, staying inspired and positive, and visualizing ourselves staying out of the fray can help tremendously to avoid the dreaded hairball and stay connected to our soul selves.

And when we stay connected, we approach our work differently. We react differently in times of stress. We interact with people differently. We simply show up differently, from a place of more integrity, purpose, and heart. And what environment doesn’t need more of that?

Thanks for reading! If you found this helpful, please leave a comment or share!

www.ashleybarnes.org

3 Clues Your Feelings of Unworthiness Might Actually be Fear

Musings

Fear is not the animal
We make her out to be
She is the truth, which lives
Inside both you and me

In personal development circles, the concept of unworthiness comes up often, and for good reason. So many of us have experienced messaging from a very early age and from a variety of sources that reminds us of all the ways that we are simply not deserving of a multitude of gifts that are arguably, our birthright.

Over years of internalizing this messaging, we come to believe that we are unworthy to be loved, unworthy to have material abundance, unworthy to accomplish goals, unworthy to be happy, unworthy to be seen and heard in our truth, unworthy to show up authentically in the world. And, if we consider examining what we might need in order to feel worthy, we often feel like we’re unworthy to even ask that question.

In other words, we’re trapped. Or it certainly can feel that way.

This has been a recurring theme with my clients as well. Working with women who are on a personal development path, I notice that more often than not, the solar plexus, the energy center connected with self-esteem and personal will, is nearly always closed when we first begin working together. Over time and with trust and practice, the solar plexus is more consistently open, and that’s often how I know they’ve made a shift.

Throughout my own personal development journey, I haven’t been immune to these feelings that my inherent worth is somehow deficient either. For me, my messaging has been around being “too much” – too loud, too passionate, too sensitive – which later became an ingrained belief that I’m not worthy of expressing my voice or my feelings – and so I didn’t.

And so, like many others, I did the work. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I embarked on the all the practices I could to help me reframe my disordered beliefs and relearn the truth about myself: that I am worthy. And yet, more than seven years later, I still found myself feeling like something is missing. Sometimes it felt like unworthiness, but often it felt more vague and unidentifiable.

Until recently.

For the last few years, I’ve picked an intention for the year, usually in the form of a single, easily-remembered word. My word this year is fearless. I don’t consciously choose my word; I open up to the energy of what I’m needing at that time, and this year fearless came in loud and clear. It was not a complete surprise. For years, I’ve lamented the fearless nature I had a child and even as a teenager. It was a healthy fear, the kind that kept me from making impulsive or dangerous decisions, but also allowed me to move forward with ideas without worrying too much about failure. When I wanted something, I just went for it, without much consideration that it might not happen. And it usually did.

Of course, we don’t get to go back to an earlier time, but that doesn’t stop us from pining for a version of ourselves that exemplifies something we feel we lost and would like to reclaim. And identifying that seemingly lost aspect of ourselves gives us the opportunity to observe what actually IS showing up in our lives, and to interpret its meaning.

For me, I spent time observing how fear shows up in my life disguised as unworthiness. In doing so, I experienced a major shift and clarity I haven’t felt in a long, long time. It’s not the same as going back to my younger, fearless self. It’s actually better. And in doing so, I was able to identify three clues that felt like unworthiness to me, but that I now know are actually fear.

Seeking more – This is a constant struggle for me. I find myself constantly feeling like need more knowledge, more degrees, more training, more certifications, more coaching. I’m a continual learner for sure, and it’s normal to seek help and knowledge from experts and outside sources in order to learn new information and support our work. However, when it becomes a pattern it could signal fear rather than an actual need for knowledge. Fear to move to the next level, fear to speak our truth, fear to be seen as an expert (or even a novice), fear of failure. When we feel the pull for more, we can listen to our internal voice for insight. Is it saying, “That looks interesting” (curiosity, a desire for learning) or “I NEED that” (desperation, fear of missing out on something that we can’t tap into internally)? We can also examine where we are in our life and our work. When we are in a place of transition, becoming more confident in our abilities, and putting ourselves out in the world in a more visible way, the vulnerability often creates fear that we’re not ready, that we need more. If needed, we can also ask a trusted friend for an objective sense of what might really be going on (my husband is a great sounding board for me because he doesn’t feed me any B.S.).
Hesitation – I find that even when I accomplish something important, or I’m offered a great opportunity, I often hesitate. It could be that I hesitate because I don’t feel worthy of that accomplishment. But most often, if I didn’t feel worthy, I wouldn’t have attempted it in the first place. Or I wouldn’t have put it out into the Universe for that opportunity to present itself. It’s precisely because we believe we’re worthy that we even try. And it’s fear that keeps us from taking that next step, even when it’s handed to us.
Downplaying accomplishments, talents, good news – This is one of my biggest clues. When you’re talking about myself, I tend to hold back on the good parts. I might say, “I’m fine” when really I’m having a great day. Or I hesitate to share my latest breakthrough at work because I know the person I’m talking to doesn’t like their job. This feels like humility but it’s not. It’s fine to be humble and considerate of what other people might be going through, but when we consciously diminish the good aspects of ourselves and our lives so that we don’t make others feel jealous or bad about themselves, that points toward fear – fear of being rejected, fear of being seen, fear of authenticity, fear of being “too much”. These fears might be familiar to us from previous experience, or they may seem foreign and point to ancestral fears passed down by generations. Either way, we’re not doing ourselves any favors by downplaying what’s awesome (and worthy) about us.

This list of clues that we might be experiencing fear instead of unworthiness is certainly not exhaustive. If you have your own to add to the list, I’d love to hear from you! I also encourage us all to remember that even though we don’t get to go back in time and become who we used to be, we do get to reinvent ourselves over and over again, bringing into our newest versions all the wisdom and grace we’ve earned along the way. My charge for each of us is that we keep doing the work and digging deeper to get to the truth of what’s holding us back – whether that’s fear, unworthiness, or something entirely – for ourselves, our relationships, our work, and our world.

P.S. If you do feel like fear is something you do struggle with (like me), I invite you to join me on May 22 for a powerful, no sales web class where you’ll participate in a transformational guided visualization to heal the fear that’s holding you back today. If these clues resonated with you at all, you don’t want to miss this opportunity! Join me for Release Fear and Reclaim Your Power!

Today’s the day! The Rising is here!

Musings, Offerings

Today’s the day! It’s launch day of my new book, The Rising!

Making the Commitment to a Creative Life

Musings, Sivana East

Each of us is endowed with a gift: the gift of creation. It’s in our bones, our breath, the very fibers of our being. But often we don’t recognize this essential part of us. Maybe we don’t see it clearly because we don’t paint or write. Maybe we were told as a child that our passion for music was a nice hobby but wouldn’t be lucrative as an adult. Perhaps our lives were (or still are) so difficult, so unordered, so devoid of creative inspiration for whatever reason that we simply never discovered that one spark that is unique within each of us.

Yet it’s there. And deep down, though we often deny it, we feel its truth. When we see someone else with a talent we admire, and we think, “Why can’t I do that,” it’s not that we are unable; it’s that we haven’t yet tried. We’ve doubted our own talent; we’ve clung to our learned sense of unworthiness, and we’ve allowed that to be our excuse for not exploring our creative being-ness. The fact that we’re even asking the question tells us that it’s there inside us. We just have to let it out. And lest we not forget, creativity is housed in our bodies, though not in the mind and not even fully in the heart. But rather we tap into it in the sacral region, the space that is uniquely designed for the most basic form of creation, that of new life. What better place from which to spring forth creation of all manner!

Of course, we know that new life requires a birthing process, and that process can be painful, difficult, shrouded in darkness, the unknown, and sometimes loss. There are no promises, only the hope embodied in the delicate creation that is to come. For so many of us, that unknown and risk of loss is too great. We use it as an excuse to keep ourselves in the dark about our true power and the ever-present need to create. And without it, we wither. Because creativity is our birthright. It is our honor. It is who we are.

And so how do we tap into that place inside where we once freely created as a child, and how do we go back and grieve that moment where we turned away from the creator we instinctively are? How, in this world that most places a high value on productivity over creativity (or perhaps more accurately, the act of creating, for we do so love the outcome of a creative endeavor) do we find the intrinsic value in a creative life? How, in this busy life, do we make time for creativity?

Honestly, how do we not?